Monday, June 4, 2007: in the chaos..
i've been wanting to blog about something substantial for a long time, i've got so much things to say, so many feelings to pour out but i cant put them into words, let alone paragraphs. even so, i have nothing to blabble about.
i could talk about how my studies are going. quite crappy i must say, fumbling along messily, trying to get 3 out of my 4 units done before saturday comes. and after that i can rest for a day and revv the engine again to cross the last hurdle. although i really want to say that i've burnt out i dont think i can qualify myself. i'm far from having put in too much effort. i know i can do better, i'm just not up there.
i could talk about how much sleep i've been getting. even while i'm typing this i feel like going back to bed and the sun hasnt even set yet. i've been sleeping about 7 hours a day and i think the winter weather is not making things any better. i'm drained. tired and drained.
i could also talk about how i've been building a wall around myself. only letting selected people in and pushing everyone else out. now that would be a big story to tell. i've been getting really self centered lately and its starting to annoy me. selfish and self conscious. not a very good combination.
or i could talk about how far away i'm drifting from God and i look at myself in disgust at how much i've been changing over the past 1/2 a year. from someone which i knew and loved to someone which i just can't accept. i see someone who has turned self centered, fatter, troubled, tired, blank, lazy, inexpressive, lack of enthusiasm; uninteresting and uninterested.
i look at myself, and i hate what i see. i cant begin to fathom how much God has to forgive me for in order to love me again. and although i know perfectly well that He has the ability to do so i feel so inadequate for Him, i feel too small and sinful to be able to glorify and testify of His goodness and grace.
and in all these chaos i see how much God is of importance to me, all the more now. i guess in everything, He's the only one that can pull me out of the way i'm feeling about myself now. i think debs said this to me, all the more in this time you need to lean on God's strength to help you, God doesnt expect you to change with your own strength. i guess these times are there to show you how important it is to continually seek after God's strength and peace.
i recall charlotte and kweesan and cecil warning us about the years to come and how important it was to equip our sunday school class with God's word. and yeah, i can see how important it is now. looking back at uni, so much distructure, so much freedom to do your own thing, its so difficult to focus and make the right decisions.
and as of now, i need to turn back from running away from myself, and start accepting my inadequacies.
in the quiet in the stillness
i know that You are God
in the secret of Your presence
i know there i am restored.
in the chaos in confusion
i know You're sovereign still
in the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will.
a shout of praise.
2:44 PM
